


let's rewrite our history

by mehan kartik (daydreamingstoryteller)



Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Royalty, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brief mentions of past life trauma, Dumb Aman Tripathi, Fake Marriage, Fluff, Genderfluid Kartik Singh, Happy Ending, Heartache, Heavy Angst, Love Confessions, Love Stories, Love at First Sight, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Reincarnation, Soulmates, The Glass Mosaic, brief mention of torture, brief mentions of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:00:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25576222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydreamingstoryteller/pseuds/mehan%20kartik
Summary: Kartik looked at Aman, knowing well that time was not on his side.My love, I do not know if I can atone for my past sins. But this second chance was more than enough. At least I got to love you again. At least I got to cherish you proper. Forgive me for the pain I've caused you over both our lives. I love you, my prince.The Reincarnation AU for "The Glass Mosaic" that no one asked for, but I needed to write for my friend, my daughter and my duckling. (Ive been trying to get this written since May but only just had a really good reason to)
Relationships: Kartik Singh/Aman Tripathi
Comments: 39
Kudos: 49





	1. A Parchment & a few Memories

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HackedByAWriter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HackedByAWriter/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Glass Mosaic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23406343) by [HackedByAWriter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HackedByAWriter/pseuds/HackedByAWriter). 
  * Inspired by [Kartik & Aman](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24898714) by [HackedByAWriter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HackedByAWriter/pseuds/HackedByAWriter), [mehan kartik (daydreamingstoryteller)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydreamingstoryteller/pseuds/mehan%20kartik). 



> Hey Sargun, you've read this months ago. As an outline. Here is the fully finished thing. Bit by bit. It is SUPER long. Fuck you HOE for making me do this to myself. But also love you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU FELLOW LEO!! <3
> 
> I know i promised the WHOLE 5 chapters in one go, but it's like almost 3am and I just edited chapter 1 and you THREATENED ME WITH SO MANY WEAPONS that you'd kill me if i dont sleep. BUT i didn't want you to wake up to no present so here you go!!! I'll write and post the rest of the chapters as the day goes on and hopefully finish by Friday (or if not sat latest) 
> 
> @ everyone else: dont worry, no spoilers here. i've double checked that. and also, pretend the whole Kaali plot is all solved and no one is planning to hurt the kingdoms or the people anymore. so everything is sorted out, but the Kartik dying after 6 months thing is still in place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kartik remembers

**Summary of The Glass Mosaic (or what is relevant to this AU):**

The Akhtari say that the three century war started because their beloved princess Taharin was raped and killed by Aayush. Her father had cited war as revenge. The Mahanite say that Taharin had seduced Aayush and with the help of her father had him tortured to death.

Only a few knew their true story. They had fallen in love and their love could not be accepted, they had both died for it. Aayush had been taken and tortured for days in the very presence of his lover, Taharin. Her father had her watch as he was beaten and bloodied. 

The torture only ended when the Akhtari princess had broken her bonds, and mercifully killed her lover and then herself. After that, both nations had burned each other’s books and gone to war.

The war lasted three centuries ending at the Battle of the Broken Will where King Kartik of Akhtar killed King Shankar Tripathi of Mahan.

Shankar’s son Aman Tripathi, on his crowning, swore vengeance against Kartik. Vowing to bring him to his knees.

In the tenuous ten year peace that followed Aman vengeance grew like a disease. 

But in a twist of fate he lays down his vengeance and binds himself in a political marriage with his father’s killer, Kartik. Unknown to the rest of the world the marriage is a sham ensuring Aman gets to kill Kartik at the end of six months. However the six months together have allowed the two kings to understand each other. Almost like friends. Almost like lovers.

This story picks up nearing the end of those six months. The events that forced the marriage, the threat to the two kingdoms has been resolved. Yet, the Kings' deal still stands. 

Will Aman go through with his plan of killing Kartik? Will Kartik manage to confess to Aman that he loves him? Will they become more than what they are? 

_Well... you have to read to find out._

* * *

we’d written our own love, darling

into every place we’ve touched 

when we no longer speak

the walls will do so for us

-Kartik & Aman, 2020

Five days. He had less than five days til he was to die by his lover's hand. Five days til it would be six months since their marriage. Their sham of a marriage. 

Karitk didn't know if he was prepared to face his own death. No matter how many days he'd pondered over this, it still weighed down on his heart like a heavy shackle. He didn't fear death. That was never the problem. 

But he did fear not doing enough before he left. He wanted to make sure everyone would be alright in his absence. That his people would be taken care of. _Aman would look after them, I am sure... yet why does my heart still hesitate to leave them all?_

Instead of wasting his precious time ruminating over his unchecked emotions, Kartik had decided to put that time to better use. His writing.

His epic of Taharin and Aayush had been progressing well but the fear that he will not finish in time for his death lingered. It hung around him like a noose. He had to finish this epic, for it would be the only thing he'd get to accomplish in his short life. Something that was just his. 

His legacy. 

So he wrote like a madman, every waking hour that he could. He might have looked possessed to others only if he'd let anyone in to the secret library in the Kings' quarters. As it were, the library only connected to their rooms and Aman and he were not talking these days. So Kartik was left mostly undisturbed in his last few days alive. 

It was easy for him to concentrate on his work when it was the only thing fueling him these last few days. It also provided him an easy distraction from the other things that he was ... avoiding. Namely Aman. 

He had already accepted long ago that he loved his husband. That was never the problem. 

But what had been causing him distress these last few months was the internal debate he had with himself. 

_Should I tell him that I love him? I know he does not feel the same but surely.... he must care about me. At least. He'd called me a friend once._

Even though he knew with certainty that he would die soon, he still questioned if he should confess his feelings before he left. It would soothe his heart at least a bit in these last few days of his. But he also did not want to put that kind of burden on Aman. 

So instead of tossing this question in his head over and over again fruitlessly, he'd decided to turn his attention to his work. He was almost finished. Only one part was left. But it was proving to be a tricky one. 

It was to do with their first meeting. He had tried to find notes or scrolls detailing it but he had not managed to. The secret books hidden away in Shafaq had helped him with most of his research but this ... this part of the story was missing. 

He looked back down at what he had written, and some of the notes he had lying about. As he was flipping through the books, his eyes caught on to something. It was slotted in between two pages carefully, inside a secret pocket in the middle. 

He took out the pocket and opened it to find a small parchment inside. 

It was a prophecy. 

> _Two lovers shall meet by the holy rivers_
> 
> _Joined in hearts yet separated by_ _fate they will be_
> 
> _Reunited under the god's gaze_
> 
> _Joined again under another's blaze_
> 
> _Two lovers shall die by their own bloodied hands_
> 
> _Starting an era that only they can mend_
> 
> _A pair of star-crossed lovers they will be_
> 
> _Only the blessings of all three shall set them free_

He didn't think it related wholly to Aayush and Taharin at first, even though the allusions to star-crossed lovers fit their story. The other parts of it made him more confused. Kartik briefly considered trying to make sense of this, before another thought captured his attention.

That first line mentioned a meeting by the holy rivers. 

A vision of Aayush and Taharin meeting by the old rivers came to his mind. He was convinced that that was how they had met. 

_I must have have read that somewhere in my research. It definitely feels true. I must have simply forgot to keep the notes._

Kartik didn't know what possessed him to write the epic that way but he did. He started writing about Aayush visiting Akhtar for the first time, as part of a delegation. He writes about taking a walk near the rivers, and meeting a beautiful maiden. 

Kartik writes about the Akhtari princess, Taharin, being taken with the kind Mahanite she'd met. He writes about their talk by the river, their jokes. He keeps writing and writing and soon he’s not even looking at his research anymore. Somehow unlike the previous parts of his epic, this comes to him effortlessly. 

He keeps writing a page or two more about their meeting when something makes him pause. He goes over what he had just written and freezes.

The words seems to be more about him and... Aman than they are about Taharin and Aayush. He goes over the emotions he had written into the words laid out in front of him and realizes that he had been thinking of Aman as he was writing it. 

He allows himself a small smile. 

_My love for him is unavoidable, it’s even bleeding in to my writing._

The very thought brings him both amusement and sadness. He knows he loves Aman with every breath he has, no matter how many or how little. Yet, he does not know if he has the courage to admit it to Aman truthfully.

They had said those words to each other during ceremonies and public appearances. It is what Kings do after all. Politics was always about showing how united the two of them, and the nations were. Yet- they had never uttered it when alone. No pretenses about. 

They faked a loving marriage well but Kartik had stopped faking it months ago. He wants to confess to Aman, if only to not have regrets on his death bed. 

The very fact that his writing had deviated from his epic to being a love poem to Aman shows how hopelessly he is in love. It didn't matter that Aman still would kill him. It would be an honor to die by his lover's hand. 

He looks back down at his work, to try and see if he needs to rewrite it all. He puts what he had written aside to find more notes and research. He spends an hour scouring into more books when he finds something else that adds on to the confusion he had at the prophecy. 

The notes he finds... they say the same things that he has written about. Just then. But these were details that he had not known off before. He would have remembered reading them if he had. But, these notes were from books that he had not opened before that very moment.

How could he have written details of their meeting into his work if he had not known of them before? It was puzzling to Kartik.

He gingerly takes up the most recent stanzas he had written and re-reads it closely. It is as if he does not even recognize his own words. But they must be his as he remembers writing them. 

As he stays there reading what he’s written about Taharin's love for Aayush, there is the sound of a door opening. Kartik looks up from the line about Aayush's eyes, and meets the newcomer. It is Aman. 

For one second, their eyes connect across the old library and suddenly... suddenly Kartik _remembers._

Everything comes rushing back in an instant. A thousand memories of events unfolded in his mind, as if he were living them again for the first time. 

The weight of the emotions that accompanied those damned memories makes him falter slightly. Yet it went unnoticeable by Aman as Kartik was still seated on his chair. The table covered the shaking of his legs but he could not hide his face from Aman. The pain was clear for anyone to read, as he clenched his eyes. 

He tried to shut himself off from the pain. He tried to protect himself against the painful reminders of screams of Aayush’s torture. It would have been fine if he had only remembered the good memories. But that is not how this works. Somehow, the dark parts of his past life are the ones that linger longer.

Kartik doesn't want to remember but he can't forget. Not anymore. 

It hits him again like a veracious storm and he sits there, his entire soul and heart rocked by the waves of emotions he’s long since forgotten.

Guilt. Pain. _Grief._

_I suppose I have always had shit luck with fathers then._

Kartik muses to himself, thinking about both his life right now and his past life as Taharin. He almost barks out a laugh but manages to suppress it. He can feel Aman reaching out for him, worried. He doesn't even need to look up to know that Aman's moved closer to him.

Oh how he wishes he can run into his arms like he used to do in secret back in their previous life. 

That’s another thing that comes in tenfold. The love he has for Aman, it somehow increased as the old memories continued their onslaught on his mind. Because he knew. 

He knew even without confirmation that Aman was his. His Aman. Her Aayush.

He is the love of his life across two lifetimes. Even if Aman looked slightly different from how he used to be as Aayush all those decades ago, his eyes stayed the same. They crinkled in the sunlight like they always had. 

They still lit up Kartik's heart every time a fond look was directed his way. 

But more than just that, what made him so sure of who Aman was to him was the way Aman makes him feel. The love and devotion he has towards this man that had come into his life and turned it upside down.... no one could ever hold this much love for anything Kartik thinks. 

"Kartik?" He hears Aman question worriedly as he feels an arm come land gently on his shoulder. Kartik still hadn't looked up at Aman since the memories returned. He didn't know what he expected to happen as he finally returned his husband's glance but it definitely was not this. 

The moment Kartik sees Aman's face, all his breath leaves his body and he lets out a soft exhale. 

And his heart whispers into each and every crevice of his soul, _oh... it's you._

_I know you._

* * *

Songs for this chapter:[ I See the Light](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILRs2r6lcHY) & [How Does a Moment Last Forever](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsKKuCUYUMU)


	2. A Confession and a Heartbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kartik confesses his love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realized this might be ooc a little so WHOOPS SORRY ><

and by that very river Ganga

did they drown their hopes and love

a future once promised 

a future now perished

-Kartik & Aman, 2020

They were walking down the fields in silence. Aman had been worried when he found Kartik in pain back at the library. When he had asked the other King what was wrong, Kartik did not answer him. He just muttered a joke about grief and pain that had Aman slightly recoiling in hatred. Hatred at himself. For having to go through with their deal. 

_I have to keep my oath to my father. No matter how much I can't bear to see him gone, it is my duty as a son to keep to my vengeance._

He found that he had to keep reminding himself of his oath more often in these last few days. Only five more days were left now. Aman tried not to think about how that very thought made something in his heart clench.

He forwent thinking about the inevitable in favour of studying his companion. 

He had went to remind Kartik about their night plans with the rest of the family, when he had stumbled into him in the middle of something. Aman did not know what was going on with the Akhtari King but the way Kartik had been avoiding him made one thing clear. 

Whatever it was, Kartik did not trust him with it. 

The thought hurt Aman more than he would ever let himself accept. Kartik had dodged all of Aman's questions and hurried them to leave, using the others as a distraction. Aman let it be for now, as they were running late. 

They were on their way to meet up with the rest of the royal family at the lake that was right outside the newly constructed palace gates. It was too cold of a night for them to swim as they had back in Mahan, but Keshav had wanted some fresh air for dinner that night. 

It was also the anniversary of what would have been Keshav and Jamini's marriage. Aman knew his cousin would never let anyone else know how troubled he was. Not tonight least of all. But Aman did not want him to suffer in silence and solitude. 

So he had arranged for tonight's family meal to be out on the lakeside. There was a small clearing near where they could set up their meals, and watch the stars. The lake would also bring some peace to Keshav, as he often told Aman that it reminded him of the Godsblade river back in Mahan. 

Aman only hoped that tonight would bring him some comfort. He could not stand to see his cousin so forlorn, even as he knew that grief was never a kind friend. He himself knew how cruel grief could be. 

The thought of Keshav and Jamini brought his mind to his own marriage. Only five more days til it would be six months since they wed. After which, Aman would make well on their deal and Kartik would be killed by his very hands. 

Aman wondered if he too would need nights of comfort following Kartik's death. 

_What would I do on the anniversaries that would come to pass without Kartik by my side? Would I too mourn him like Keshav does Jamini?_

He glanced at Kartik walking beside him. Even though Kartik might have thought him to be oblivious, Aman was very observant. 

He had noticed the way Kartik had not stopped looking at him since they left for the lake. Aman caught him staring even, for moments on end. As if Aman was some treasure that he had just found. It reminded him too much of their first night in that temple, but also different. 

Aman could not quite place the expression and that was puzzling in and of itself, as Aman had thought he'd long since memorized every expression of Kartik's face. 

Whatever it was that Kartik was feeling, was something new. And all Aman could infer was that he wanted to tell him something but was hesitating on voicing it. 

_Maybe I can divert his mind from his musings to offer him some comfort._

Aman turned to face Kartik fully. He could read something very tender in his expression. It made him feel guilty. 

_I do not deserve this affection, whatever it may be. Not from you._

"How is your writing progressing?" Aman asked, trying to force away other traitorous thoughts. 

"They are coming along rather well. I should be done within the morn, or a in a few days." Kartik said, with a sad smile gracing his features. 

"You've done quite a lot in a very short time. I am impressed. How did you do it?" 

"The knowledge of your impending death can be a very skillful motivator." Kartik laughs, and Aman wishes he had never said anything at all. But now that he had, he could not help but go on. 

"So that is it then? Your life's work." Aman stated. 

"Yes. My life's work. Truthfully, I am more than glad that I will have it done in time. I never liked leaving things unfinished." Kartik replied. "And it does mean one less regret." 

Aman didn't know if he should ask but his curiosity won over. "Do you have many then? Regrets?" 

Kartik paused in his walking. Aman did too. 

"Yes." Kartik replied softly. He paused as if he wanted to say more but did not know how.

Aman saw him stumble on his words. He could see the truth in his eyes. He knew what Kartik wanted to tell him. He knew it perhaps since the very first time they had talked about Shankar. 

The white roses, the first letter he received from Akhtar, the deal. 

But even without these signs, Aman would have known. In the past six months he had come to know Kartik better than he knew himself. Even if he were blind, he could probably tell what Kartik was thinking, feeling. Like how even now, he could understand the unspoken words and emotions between them. The weight of all that was left unsaid. 

"You mean the night you drank the Eskabadi beer?" Aman finally responded, trying to ease the tension between them. The statement made Kartik laugh, and Aman wanted to capture that sound and keep it with him forever. 

Kartik wrapped an arm around Aman's shoulders and leaned into him, laughing still. "No. No that is definitely not one of my regrets. Though losing to Rajni on that bet might be." He huffed. 

"What else?" Aman asked. 

"Oh, there was one time I almost set Qabid's room on fire trying to help heal him from an ailment. That I do regret. Then there was another time when Devi and I almost got into trouble with my mother, and then..."

"Go on."

".... not telling you that I love you." 

Aman froze and went still under Kartik's embrace. Kartik pulled away from Aman, only to not be able to meet his eyes. 

_He can not mean what he just said. It must be a trick. I am about to kill him. I've only ever showed him hatred, he could not possibly-_

"Are you mocking me?" Aman asked in a cold and firm tone. Kartik stayed silent. 

"You _love_ me? In case you forget, this marriage is purely a farce for the good of our people."

"I didn't forget Aman. I know you hold no affection for me. I remember plainly how this marriage begun. Rest assured our deal is still intact. I just merely wanted to tell you that I .."

"What were you hoping to accomplish with this declaration. Now of all times. If you think that this changes anything between us-" Aman started to get louder and angrier. He did not know where the anger came from, nor who it was directed at. Only that his emotions were raging a war against him, and he did not know how to decipher all of them. Anger was easier. Anger he knew how to handle. 

"I know!" Kartik bit out, loud enough to silence Aman's raging thoughts. 

"I know that we are nothing more than friends, even if we are barely that in the first place. I know that I do not deserve any of your affection, care, nor your kindness. Even though you yourself have given me so much of it over these past few months. I know they mean nothing apart from proving that you are kind and just King. But all of that do not diminish the love I have for you."

Aman fell speechless. His anger was waning but his face still showed his fury as he kept glaring at the other King. 

_How dare he even utter these words to me. He loves me? After everything that is between us, how dare he get the courage to speak of such things._

"I am not trying to stop my death nor do I expect anything from you. I simply wanted to have no regrets when I die. So I declared my affections for you. I know you might never believe me when I say that I regret killing Shankar but it is the truth. And so is this, even if you do not think so."

"I have come to love you in these months. Though perhaps I already started loving you on the first night we met. I cannot truly say. But I do know that I loathe myself for ever having hurt you. I do not know if you can forgive me but do know that I am nothing if not honest and honor-bound. I made a deal with you and I will keep to it. These past few months have been a blessing. You hate me and yet you only showed me kindness and not cruelty. It was easy to fall in love with you. And that itself, is more than worth it all." 

Aman stared at Kartik for a minute more, trying to notice any sign of a lie. 

He could not find one. 

He uncrossed his arms and his right hand gently found the sword that was always on his self. He grabbed it lightly, as if to reassure himself of his oaths and Kartik's impending demise. 

"You are still going to die by my blade in five days. This changes nothing." 

_It doesn't change anything. I have to keep to my oaths. I need to fulfill my duty to my father._

Kartik looked straight at Aman's eyes, and poured all the love and affection he had into that one look.

"I would expect nothing less." He nodded, and he turned to continue the walk towards the lake. As Aman slowly started to follow, he heard Kartik whisper again.

"It would only be an honor and my right to die by your hands, my prince." 

* * *

Song for this chapter: [Not about Angels](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sf6TURKGSFw) (a cover by an artist I love)


	3. A Toast to Lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was always going to be a song fic chapter and have tamil songs in it. I was debating between this song and another but since SPB (SP Balasubramaniam) sir passed away, I decided to go with this song in the end as a tribute to him. I have never seen my mom or so many adults cry this much before, and now... a true legend has died and the entire indian community is mourning. So this is an ode to him. Thank you sir. 
> 
> (not edited btw so sorry for mistakes its like 3am)
> 
> ALSO:  
> Kartik is genderfluid, and as such the pronouns switch a lot cus I suck at writing enby characters and there's no like rulebook on this. So being genderfluid myself I'm just gonna take liberties with this and run wild. i am sorry if the pronouns are confusing but yes more often than not they're all referencing Kartik/Taharin. (sargun and I call them Kaharin affectionately)

one father brought them together

another one tore them up

two young boys painted red

with the broken shards of each other’s hearts

\- Kartik & Aman, 2020

Kartik tried his best to avoid looking at Aman. He'd done a good job of it so far. But now that their night meal had come to an end, it was beginning to be harder to keep his eyes from straying to his husband. 

Kartik had known that his confession might not change anything. He had known how deep the vengeance ran through Aman's blood. He too had once felt that. When he'd been Taharin. When he had to watch her father torture the love of her life in front of her own eyes. 

She'd felt it then when her own blood had forced her to kill her lover. _My love, my prince, my soulmate._ Kartik's mind whispered. She remembered it all now. A part of her wished she didn't. It would have made this goodbye harder, yet. It would have left her with less to mourn. Less confusion as to what to do right now. 

She'd expected Aman's rejection but it didn't mean that she wasn't hurt by it. She had thought that maybe Aman was starting to care for her... No. She'd _known_ that Aman cared for her...the Lartik that Aman knew and remembered at least. She'd heard Aman's drunken rumblings after all. That one time that Aman has called her his friend ha both broken her and healed a small part of her heart. 

So she'd had hoped that maybe Aman had come to love her as well. As the Kartik he knew, even if Aman didn't know all of her. Kartik could never really bring to call herself a King. Not when there were days when she'd rather be with her mother and get her lehengas designed, or when she'd rather be called princess than prince - when she'd rather be her mother'd daughter than her father's son. 

It was never a secret that he'd intentionally kept, but more of a personal matter that she figured never mattered to anybody but herself. Especially when most days she was perfectly fine with being referred to as any other man. But now... now that she remembered it was a little bit more difficult. She'd remembered how her love, Aayush who is now his Aman had used to braid her hair and gift her lehengas. She remembers wishing to marry him while wearing the colours of his nation. 

While she did end up living that wish in this lifetime, she'd initially pictured herself in a lehenga and veil instead which she had not gotten this time around. Even if she had been perfectly comfortable in his clothing that day, the dream she once had lingered. She could never have that now.

When the memories returned, she'd let herself forget for a minute. She'd thought that maybe perhaps, she could confess her feelings to Aman and if Aman accepted it, then maybe she could tell him of their history. Maybe they could start where they'd left off from their last life but also start anew. She had been so hopeful that for a moment she'd forgotten their current life. The events that had transpired in these last 20 years. 

Of course, Aman would never want him. Kartik had killed Shankar. He would never be able to love Kartik as himself. 

"...Kartik! Kartik!" a voice cuts him off from his painful musings. 

Kartik looks up to see Devika nudging him, and everyone else's eyes looking at him. He avoids Aman's gaze and locks on to Keshav. He seems to be looking at Kartik with a pleading look. 

"What's going on? Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts." He confessed with a bit of guilt seeping through his voice. It was Aman that replied, forcing Kartik to look at him, after avoiding him all night since the confession. 

"We were wondering if you knew the ballad of Raghav and Jani. It is one of Mahan's classic literature poetry. Written by one of our old scholars as another interpretation of Taharin and Aayush's stories. I believe it was written not too long after the Great Burnings and I recall someone saying that the author wrote it in Aktahri too." Aman said matter of factly. As if nothing had happened between them mere hours ago. As if they were just two kings being friendly with each other.   
  


As if Aman had not just ripped Kartik's heart and hope into two with his very words. 

"If you know even a part of it, would you sing for us?" Keshav asked with wide curiosity, bringing Kartik's attention away from Aman. "It was.. it was Jamini's favourite balled. Two star crossed lovers whose love brought two warring families together... it was something she always found interesting and romantic even if it did end in death." 

Kartik looked at the way Keshav's eyes had stopped looking at them and had slightly closed of their own accord. He could tell that he was remembering her on this night of what would have been their marriage anniversary. Kartik has heard of a ballad in Akhtari like the one that was mentioned. It was not as well known to them as it seems to be revered in Mahan but Kartik, being the poet and writer he was had read it. 

In fact, it was that ballad that had gotten him intrigued by the idea that Aayush and Taharin's tale could be so much more than what they were taught. Of course, now that he remembered his own life as the very princess he so wanted to know about, he found the whole thing more amusing. 

"I think I know what ballad you mean. She really loved it you say? Does it not end with them both being dead though?" Kartik asked again. 

"Yes. She never feared death, when she had been alive. She had a zest for life that was unparalleled and yet, she'd often found beauty in death as well. That story in particular was her favourite because of how death is not seen as an ending but as the birth of something new... peace and love. She was an odd soul." Keshav whispered. 

"I would have loved to have met her. She sounds divine. I will gladly sing what I remember of that ballad if you don't mind it being more Akhtari than Mahanite." 

"Thank you. You know not what this means to me." Keshav said as tears filled his eyes. Kartik could feel his own eyes overflow with emotion. 

"You do not need to thank me. We are brothers after all. Anything for my family." Kartik finished and took a deep breath to collect himself. He remembered the verses and usually, it would not have hurt him to sing it, but now.... so soon after his rejection.... having to sing something that was too close to the reality that Aman and he shared... it was too much. 

But this was for Keshav. It was for him and his lost love. He could understand that pain. Besides, this was one of his last nights with all his family around. Everyone was here, and they were by the lake of poets where he and Aman had first met as Taharin and Aayush. If there was any place for a fitting goodbye to everything this new life had given him it would be here. Now. 

He couldn't say goodbye in the way he wanted to in the days to come as it would be too suspicious but here... under the guise of a song and under the stars that had once given him comfort... he could do it. 

They weren't the words he'd use if he could speak his heart but they would do. They had to. So he closed his eyes and sang. Even without accompaniment, his voice carried the song beautifully into the air and well past the clearing they were in. 

It was as if the lake and trees themselves were listening to Kartik sing. 

> _Oh my dear love, Oh my dear love,_
> 
> _W_ _hat are you going to do with me?_
> 
> _Love, when you throw a flower,_
> 
> _Any mountain would melt a little._
> 
> _Love, when you throw a pebble,_
> 
> _Any ocean would be disturbed a little._
> 
> _  
>   
>  Now am I to recover or fall through? _
> 
> _Live life or leave life?_
> 
> _Is this the elixir or the poison?_
> 
> _Or is this the elixir and poison in one?_
> 
> _  
> Love, I worshipped you, By falling at your feet; but, you closed your eyes, and I wailed inconsolably.  
>    
>  Is this a good change or a faltering? Is there a mist accumulating in my heart? _
> 
> _I_ _s this a daily conflict within me to decipher if you are my friend or foe?  
>    
>  _

When he finished, he opened his eyes to see Keshav looking at him with so much unbridled gratitude. It made Kartik's berth stutter. He didn't deserve this much. Not when he was the reason for so much anguish the Tripathis had to go through. But in his final days here Kartik figured he could be a little less selfless. DIdn't he deserve something good in his last few days? Hasn't he earned that much at least?

"Sing something else please." A voice came from his other side. It was Rajni. She and Kusum were holding hands and the sight made his heart turn in jealousy. He wanted that too. To be able to hold Aman's hand one more time before he had to leave this world. It would ease all the heartache of the past lifetimes. 

He watched the two women for a moment longer. He thought back to all the dreams he'd had both as Taharin and in his earlier childhood days as Kartik. There was so much he wanted to say to everyone but mostly to his lover. His Aman. Her Aayush. 

He knew this was the only chance he'd get. They were asking him to sing and Kusum had chimed in with how she'd would be delighted to hear a song about lovers and loving someone. 

There was no better time than now. He could see flashes of memories of her time as Taharin. Emotions long gone surrounded her as she let it take over. She wanted to sing everything in this song. So she did. 

> _What happened to my poetry? The poetry I wrote in my dreams.  
>  _

She was speaking from her heart. She didn't know where the words were coming from but she knew them to be true. 

> _When our eyes met, oh! You erased my thoughts. Search for my poems or give me back my dreams._
> 
> _  
> _ _In the evening, in the corner of my heart, I was searching for a precious emotion._
> 
> _I was searching for you amongst each small drop of rain. In the foam of the sea tides, I’m searching for my dream person._

She remembered the way her heart had felt as if it was missing something. She hadn't realized that the void had been filled until just now as her memories had come back to her. IT was always Aman that she'd been looking for.

> _The heart wishes for your sweat which smells like a sweet sandal. The cheeks long for the joy of the pricks of your tresses._
> 
> _The earth is stabbing, the moon is rising, my heart is throbbing._
> 
> _And when I see a shadow, my heart says it’s you, and it bounces with happiness.  
>    
>  _

She couldn't even deny it. It was the truth that filled every inch of her soul.

  
  


> _Even if I see your beautiful face, my heart will find solace._
> 
> _Even if you touch me with your fingertips, I will be born again and again._
> 
> _One look, one word, one touch is what I wish for. The heart longs for the kisses always.  
>  _

She finally admitted it out loud. What she could not say before. She knew her death was fast approaching. Four days seemed too little after the gravity of the revealtion she'd had that night. But there was nothing she could do anymore.

She ended the song and didn't dare look up at anyone lest the tears fall. She meant every word. 

She could die happy if only she'd get to see Aman smile again one more time. 

  
When she finally gathers herself to look up, she notices the rest praising her singing. How they loved the lines he'd just sung. She didn't know what to reply and so just smiled and nodded. She finally turned to look at Aman when the rest had stopped staring at her and gone back to their own conversations. 

Aman was looking at her but his eyes were unreadable. There were no emotions there. 

Not for the first time, Karitk wondered if he should tell Aman about them. Their past lives. If that would make any difference. If Kartik even wanted that. 

_ No. If Aman is unable to get past my killing of Shankar then... it doesn't matter. None of it matters.  _

Even if Aman knew who they had been to one another a long time ago, right now, Aman hates him and that is a truth that Karitk knows with certainty now. They’d never be able to be together. They can't be what Karitk wishes they'd be. 

So he pushes down all his pain - which is a pain that he hasn't felt in forever, since the day he’d had to watch Aayush be tortured in front of her and pulls himself together. 

He doesn't know how he can live with this anguish and heartache but then he remembers. Four more days only. 

_ I can handle four more days of this agony surely. I've had worse River two lifetimes this will be alirght. _ He tries to convince himself. 

_Besides, I've harmed him so much. Too much. In both our lives combined, Ive irreparebly brought pain onto him. I could never apologize enough for what I did to him in our past life. I killed him by my own hands. He'd only smiled as I drove the sword through his heart. It’s only right that he kills me with his own this time._

So he contents himself with these four days. With this goodbye. Even though the memories haunt him still. He remembers all the happy moments of the life they’d dreamed of having back then as Aayush and Taharin. Somehow it aches more to think that they’d gotten another chance and still not lived it to their fulfillment. 

Yet, he understands how blessed they already are. 

_ At least we had our dream for a few months. Even if most were lies for our nation's sake, we did have fun together did we not? That is enough.  _

They even righted the wrongs that they’d initially unintentionally wrought. They were the ones that split the nations apart and threw them into war. They were now the ones that ended it. They finished what they had started. Their work was done. That has to be enough.

_ I got more time with him than I’d ever hoped for. I can be content with this. I must be.  _

* * *

First song is a translation of SPB and AR Rahman's: En Kadhale En Khadale. [Youtube video of song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnYo0qtxJHw). Translations from[ Lyricdelights](http://www.lyricaldelights.com/2016/07/10/duet-en-kaathale-en-kaathale-lyrics-and-translation/)  
  
Second song is a translation of another Tamil AR Rahman song, Enge Enathu Kavithai. [Youtube of Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfAJxAbUGNI). Translations from[ LyricsRaag. ](https://lyricsraag.com/enge-enathu-kavithai-translation-kandukondain-kandukondain/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song lyrics are taken from the websites mentioned and are not actually in order. I mixed them up to fit this story. Also the tale of Raghav and Jani is a play on Romeo and Juliet cus I know Sargun adores it! 
> 
> Also thanks to the entire writers gc on insta for pushing me to finish this and encouraging me every step especially with genderfluid kartik :))) LOVE YALL <3


	4. A Realization and A Remembrance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It took a while to get here, but Aman finally catches up with Kartik.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this - was supposed to go up wayyy before Chap 47 of TGM. And I was supposed to lie and go "no spoilers for TGM" but eh. Everyone's probably already read Ch 47 so - HI YES.
> 
> Also yea we share ideas but TGM is mostly her and this AU is mostly me. :P
> 
> ALSO 80% OF THIS CHAPTER WAS NOT PLANNED BUT MY INDIAN ORCHESTRA NERDNESS TOOK OVER. I MISS BEING IN MY ORCHESTRA PLS 😭

for we have our own hymns, 

our own fights to win

our plight is not without ease, 

yet it is one without sin

-Kartik & Aman, 2020

Aman wandered around the hallways in slow paces. Court hadn't been held for the past several days nor would it be held that day. Hence Aman had not bothered to care about how much time he was wasting in his walk. No one would need him today. The others were putting together a celebration of a sort. It will be six months since their wedding day tomorrow and the first day of their real start as husbands. The rest of the family had wanted to celebrate it in Shafaq. A proper beginning or so Kartik and Aman had been told a few nights ago. 

Both kings had both minutely at the declaration from Sunaina, as grief overtook their hearts. Yet neither showed any of it outside. They'd kept up the pretenses of a smile and a loving marriage all throughout the night, long after the last bit of sunlight had gone down. They couldn't refuse the celebration without arousing suspicion so they had let it be. 

Even if there will be no celebration during a period of mourning, they had to let the planning continue which left them with no court duties for a week. And Aman, in that free time had taken to exploring their grounds alone, as a way to find some peace. Which is how he had ended up here in the music room. 

On his walk there, his eyes had been taking in everything around him, yet nothing - no sight, nor sound nor colour had registered in his mind. His thoughts were elsewhere as they often had been for the past week. Maybe even months if Aman were being honest. But being truthful to himself had never been a trait that Aman possessed much of.

_"You're blind. You can't even see your own truth. Your own feelings."_ The long-forgotten words of his Uncle had been echoing in his ear more and more these past months. The harsh words that were spoken right before Aman had banished Chaman to the estate. _"You mi_ _ght hold the crown but you are no King Aman. You are but a child and you've been blinded by this childishness of yours. Heed my advice nephew and listen to yourself. Is this what you really want or is this what you have made yourself believe to want."_

_"Until the day you are willing to heed your heart, you can never be a good King. For good Kings rule with compassion. Not ambition. Shankar never understood that. I thought you might ... but it seems you are too much of your father's son."_

The words and the venom with which they had been spoken had haunted Aman in those early days of his Uncle's leave. Now, as he'd gotten older and started to learn what Kingship could be from Kartik - his uncle's words were starting to seem more and more like sound advice. And it was these words that had taken up more space in his consciousness in the past few days. Tormenting his every waking moment. 

Even now, as he had strolled through the still-unfinished pathways across their lands and made his way to the beautiful room of swaras and raagas, his mind whispered at him to let all pretenses go. To be honest with himself. 

_Is this what I really want? Or am I making a mistake?_

Trying to find the answer... trying to find himself had led the Aman to seek out solace in something familiar. But he'd been sitting next to his sitar in the privacy of the musician quarters for the better part of an hour without a single motivation to play any piece. 

He stared at his sitar for a long time, trying to will his limbs to pick them up and strum them. Even the basic raagas would do he figured, but his body was unwilling to cooperate. It reminded him of the night at the lake. 

He had brought his sitar then too, as a way to comfort Keshav on a night that held darkness for his brother. He was supposed to play Jamini's favourite piece. Even when Kartik had been requested to sing it, Aman had planned on playing his sitar afterwords. And he would have too.

If only Kartik hadn't sung what he did. 

Kartik had not been singing merely a few songs for their family, but he had also been saying goodbye. Aman could vividly trace the memory in all its detail.

Kartik, sitting by the moonlight, singing through a slight sheen of tears in his eyes that no one else but Aman had noticed. His voice imbuing multiple meanings into the words as they were sung in a melancholy tone. 

Goodbye. He'd been saying goodbye. 

How could Aman possibly play anything after that? Kartik had always deserved a chance to say goodbye. So Aman had not played anything that night and somehow... now it felt as if Aman had lost all love for playing music at all. 

_No. I cannot possibly lose my love for my songs and ballads. What do I have if not my music?_ _What will I have left after Kartik is gone?_

Motivated by desperation, Aman forced himself to at least pick up some notes and read them. If he could not play then he would at least work on his compositions. Anything to keep his mind occupied and distracted from the thoughts of Kartik and what tomorrow might hold for their fates. 

He ruffled through some papers and found old notes of his, written from when he was but a boy. The pages were well worn, yet preserved perfectly. Aman had almost forgotten what it was supposed to sound like. He recognized the raaga. It was one that was used more for happier pieces. Yet, as he read through the notes, his mind could not recall the melody. 

He never had a good singing voice, so he never sang his notes out loud, always preferring to strum it instead but he was not in the mood to even pick up his sitar today. So he resigned himself to humming the notes trying to recall the melody. 

It took him a while to do so but when he did, he wished he did not remember. It was a nice little melody. One that was based on the sounds that he loved hearing at Chandan. The verses were the songs of birds in the morn, and the laughter of his family while the chorus was the song of the Godsblade. 

Just remembering the sounds of his childhood - the happier moments- almost brought tears to his eyes. They clouded his vision until the notes became shaky although by that time he had already memorized it all. The memories he unlocked finally gave Aman the small inspiration to play his sitar again. He gingerly picked up the divine instrument, and held it with care like he would a babe. 

He took a deep breathe, calmed his senses, and let the melody flow. His eyes were only concentrated on his left hand that was moving across the notes. His right hand will follow unconisouly and constantly without missing a beat. 

The composition started slow and calm like the early moments of his life. Within a minute and a little bit more Aman reached the end of his notes but instead of repeating the swaras like one does in a composition, Aman continued on. He didn't notice when he switched the raaga to a lower one, only that he did. The next part of the composition Aman was writing as he played and it slowed down further as he stretched his hands to the lower notes that are harder to reach and only experts could play. 

He closed his eyes then. He didn't need to see to be able to feel the music. Closing his eyes also let him imagine the percussion instruments tagging along. He can hear the drums starting to temper the melody as it starts getting faster, and he can also picture how a veena accompaniment would add that deep timbre to the song. It was beautiful. It was somber. It was his own therapy. 

He followed the dream song until he could not hold on much longer. As the memories of his life faded into the present, the music faded away until it stopped. Abruptly. It was not yet complete but Aman had lost sight of the end. He remembered the new verses and notes he had added, and he grabbed the notes from before and hastily wrote down the additions. 

Only once he had gotten every note down into parchment did he let himself relax as he watched the paint dry. It was still incomplete but he was lost as to how it should end. 

_Why can't I decide? Why are there two parts of me pulling me apart in two directions?_

His distraught contemplations were interrupted by a knock on the door. Aman glanced up to see Chaman standing there with a proud beaming smile on his face. Aman was struck breathless for a moment because he had not seen that look of fatherly pride directed at him in ages by anyone. 

"That was your best composition yet I believe Aman. Does it have a title?" Chaman asked as he discarded his footwear at the doorstep before entering the room barefoot. It was a sign of respect to music itself and the gods that bestowed this gift to them. 

"It is not yet complete Uncle. Maybe once it is, I will find a title fitting for it." Aman responded friendly as Chaman came to sit down beside him on the wool carpeted floor. It felt like the old days when they would sit and work together. Chaman with his writing and Aman with his compositions. 

"These notes of yours look worn and dry. Is this an earlier composition of yours?" Chaman asked with curiosity as he eyed the frayed ends of the parchment and the stains of old age on them. 

"It is one from my younger years. I think I initially wrote it as an anniversary gift for Ma and Papa. Before." Aman said in a soft voice. Neither were looking at each other but they were listening well to the words said and those left silent. 

"Well, it sounds wonderful. The mixing of the raagas makes you wonder how many emotions there actually can be in a single piece of music. It was very beautiful and if I do admit, it made tears well up in my eyes." 

"Thank you Uncle. I do not know what came over me. I did not know that I ..." Aman faltered slightly at the weight of the confession he was to make. "I see now that I did not know how deep I could truly feel." 

Chaman stayed silent for a moment before glancing at his nephew. "You're like your father in that way Aman. You think too much sometimes and don't spend enough time feeling. It has never been that you do not feel. I know you feel too much at times. But you do not acknowledge those emotions. That is where you falter." 

Aman remembers the exact statement being given to him by Chaman in a harsher tone once, long ago. It seemed that his uncle remembered it too, as he returned to avoiding Aman's gaze. 

"Uncle, I should have said this before. I am truly sorr-" Aman started but Chaman's hand on his knee stopped him.

"It is in the past Aman. We both have made mistakes when it comes to each other. But you are better than I. I should be the one apologizing for my harsh words. You are so much braver than anyone of us could be. An apology is not necessary after all you've done for our nation." 

"I do not feel like that is true Chacha. I have done cruel things." Aman needed guidance now more than ever, and having his Uncle again with him makes Aman feel more confident and safe than he had been in a long time. 

"No. I know you like you're my own son. You might have made bad decisions Aman, but your heart is not cruel. Besides, you do not know how much hope you give to everyone else just by being who you are."

"I would hope I do. Aren't Kings supposed to give hope to their people?" Aman tried to joke, to lighten their conversation. Chaman chuckled a little. 

"Yes, but I am not discussing the nations. I am referring to us. This family of ours has not seen the best of days in decades. And perhaps even before that, our lineage has never been blessed with this much love." Chaman moves his hand from Aman's to gently place it on Aman's shoulder. Hesitant, as if he feared Aman would reject that simple gesture of love. 

"Take a minute to look at this life you have built for us Aman. You and Kartik. You gave us hope when we had none, and you gave us peace and a new son. You are finally listening to your heart and leading this combined nation of ours with kindness and compassion for everyone around." 

"Chacha..." Aman's voice grew quieter in the still silence of the room that had only minutes before been filled with the sounds of almost every emotion known to man. Aman could not handle hearing words of love and gravity being uttered by his uncle. The very man that he had shunned and exiled, was here telling him it will be okay. Aman let go of his inhibitions just that once and surprised them both by embracing Chaman in one movement. 

Chaman held on to his nephew and whispered words that he had regretted not having said years ago. "You have done us proud. All of us. And nothing could make me prouder than to call you my son." 

As Aman leans into his uncle's arms for the first time since his childhood years, a thought runs through him that shifts everything he'd ever known. 

His Uncle had been right. Their family did not have luck in marriage or love. 

His mother has lost Kumar. His father had lost Rani. They had both found each other in the aftermath of grief only to have a short few years together.

His uncle and aunt had to elope away from their family and then lost themselves for years, due to fights and misunderstandings. 

Keshav and Jamini did not have their dreams come true. 

Rajni's first love had never been returned. 

Kartik had lost everyone at a young age. 

Everyone in their family had been unlucky in love in one way or another. They'd all gone for years without the love and warmth they deserved. Until now. 

kartik and his marriage not only cemented a new history for all of their nations but for their family too. Their family now was larger than ever, with more people than Aman had ever been used to. More love than there had ever been in the glass walls of Chandan.   
  


And it had started with them. Him and Kartik.   
  
  


It had started that night at the temple, by Okhine's blinded gaze, where they had met as themselves. No past to be burdened by. No future to be worried for. Just them. 

And Aman finally let himself accept that truth. The one he had been hiding from for all these months. 

The reason why there is so much love amongst the people, the nations, their family. The love had not come from anywhere, it had started with them. 

Because they both loved their nation and people enough to get married for them. But also because they loved each other.

He loved Kartik. He _loves_ Kartik. 

If he killed him, he would be removing all of the love they had managed to find in the crevices of all their broken and misfitted parts. He would be betraying his uncle, his family, his people. 

Yes, he made an oath to his father, but he is also a King. The King of both Akhtar and Mahan. His oath as a King is to always do right by his people. And the oath he swore to the living is more important than one he swore on the dead. 

His duty was to the people he has in his life right now. He cannot and will not do anything that will be detrimental to them. His honor would not allow him to. Not after this realization. Not now, after heaving his uncle ease his last fears. 

He loves Kartik. Always have. 

He only wished he had not been ignorant of his own emotions for so long. Far too long. 

Kartik needed to know. He had been far too cruel to him to deserve any ouncg of forgiveness but he had to try. 

The rest of the love stories he's heard and seen never ended in a happy ending. They didn't get to keep their love with them for many years. Some were too short, some were lost in time, others lost to anger and mistrust. 

He would not let that happen to him and Kartik. 

They had something special and Aman vowed he would not take it for granted. He would not take Kartik and the love they share, this peace they have found with each other for granted. None of it. 

He needed Kartik. 

Aman let go of Chaman's embrace and looked at his uncle with gratitude. 

"Thank you Uncle. What you have done for me today ... I will not forget. I am sorry for running off on you like this but I need to be somewhere urgently. I hope you understand." Aman 

Chaman did not hide the wide smile he had on his face. He seemed to know where Aman was headed. "last I heard, he was on his way back to your chambers from the garden." 

Aman nodded his thanks again to his uncle before leaving the room with haste. He had to find his husband and have a very important conversation with him. 

And as Aman walked down the very hallways he had been aimlessly drifting in hours prior, something unexpected happened. It was a minor thing. A detail in the walls so small and minor that it was a wonder he had not seen it before but it was there. 

A symbol. 

Something he had never seen before but somehow knew he had. 

He brushed it past as he continued on his journey but once he saw it, he could not unsee the same symbol everywhere. Hidden... inlaod in the walls. Everywhere. 

The thought of it was in the back of his mind, pushed aside for the moment but in mere seconds, the thought had started to fester. Aman tried to wonder what was so special about it, and tried to remember. The thoughts turned and twisted in his mind until they turned into an ache in his head. 

A throbbing pain that would not pass. 

That's when it all came crashing down. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mistakes are there, yes I know. I will touch up and edit all the rest of the chapters as well once I'm like done with real life  
> (college is the best time of your life kids, but also the most draining time so be careful when u grow up)
> 
> ALSO THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO END LATER BUT NO THE MUSICIAN PART OF ME TOOK OVER, MADE IT LONGER AND NOW I HAVE TO CUT THE CHAPTER INTO SMALLER PIECES. FUCK ME. (which is also why the total chapter count has increased)
> 
> ps. I'll touch up all chapters but especially chapter 3. like I will edit a LOT of chapter 3 good god I'm rereaidng it right now and I'm cringing at how it was no where near the level I had planned and the lyrics don't do the song justice fuck. I'll let yall know when I edit the chapters again so you can read from start to finish


	5. A Few Confessions, Two Lives, & One Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long awaited talk and healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WAS SUPPOSED TO UPLAOD AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO BUT I LIED AND IT TOOK SO MUCH OUT OF ME TO FINISH THIS. but here it is!!! ALSO GO READ SARGUN'S CHAPTER 48 IF YOU HAVENT!! it's HEAVILY related to this one. 
> 
> also sorry for mistakes. Im very sorry. but yES. here you go :P

we will take these stories, turn them upside down

for no love deserves the tears of blood

no love deserves a marred corpse

we’ll show them how we’d rather have it done

-Kartik & Aman, 2020

It started slow. Colours, sounds and feelings mixing together as if it were all a dream. But it couldn’t have been a dream because it felt all too real.

It was as if Aman was behind a frosted glass watching someone else’s memories play out.    
  
Aman wondered if he was sick and on medication. He knew some medication could cause him to see people who weren’t there but ... he’s never had any reaction to anything like this before. 

He could just pick out someone at a river’s edge. Someone who was smiling at ... him? 

No that couldn’t be him. He looked different. More carefree. 

Yet Aman felt like he knew him somehow. 

He watched on as the images cleared and suddenly it dawned on him. 

These were memories but they were his own. 

Or at least, his own memories from a lifetime ago as someone else. As Aayush. Of Mahan. 

The memories didn’t all hit in one go but they floated in and out. He couldn’t grasp most of them but some stood out. The meeting at the river edge. Their courting. 

The love he had ... has for her. 

The end. The pain he felt at her own pain. He never remembered the pain of the torture, and Aman was glad about that but the pain of remembering Taharin’s screams and fury stung more than any thousand blades. 

And just as the pain and memories flow in, the love flows back too. The love he had for her. Aman’s hit with a sense of sadness and longing. He was never interested in women in this lifetime. He was unable to ever consider any of them as more than his friends but now...

He thinks he loves her. But she was gone. 

He wonders for a moment why him? Why now? He had been fine never remembering his lost love and doomed past life but his mind had to stop him and force those memories on him. 

And today of all days. Here he was on his way to confess his love for Kartik and he’s reminded of a love long passed. 

He knows he still loves Kartik. More than he thinks he ever loved Taharin but he can’t deny that right now his mind and heart are at war with each other. 

His mind knows that no matter what he remembers or who he used to be, he is in love with Kartik right now. He is Aman Tripathi, King of Akhtar and Mahan and he is truly, irrevocably and wholly in love with Kartik Singh, King of Akhtar and Mahan too. 

But his heart that has been newly reawakened with feelings he’d long since lost has latched on to the idea of his Princess. He doesn’t want to face this dilemma now but how do you tell your wounded heart to stop hurting? 

How was he going to soothe the pain that he feels at the very thought of her, when there is nothing to do but grieve? He remembered her only to remember the pain of having lost her.    
  


Moreover, he had no one to share this with. How would he explain to Kartik all this? He himself did not understand what had happened to him until moments ago? 

How was he going to look at Kartik and confess his love when a small part of his heart yearns for another that was Kartik’s ancient predecessor? 

Aman imagined the heartbroken look on Kartik’s face that night when he had rejected him and remembered the look of love that Kartik had shown him even after the pain. 

Aman had hurt his love too many times since their first night together in the temple. How could he bring himself to hurt Kartik again even though it was not his fault this time around? 

Aman didn’t know. He stayed there, leaning against the walls of the palace that had triggered his memories. He tried to think about Kartik and not about Taharin. 

He remembered their first meeting, their day in the villages of Balkar and the conversations they’ve had. 

When he had met Kartik, it had felt as if he was meeting a long lost friend. He should have been startled at himself for how forward and familiar he was with Kartik but at that time it had felt all too... normal. 

As if he and Kartik had already known each oth-

_ No. It can’t be. He can’t.... _

Aman’s mind was in a flurry. His desperation to quell the aching in his heart drove him to consider absurd ideas. That was all, he resonated with himself. 

Yet.... the more he pondered on it, the more he was reminded of things that felt too familiar about Kartik. 

His laugh, his smile... the way he held himself as a King. His fighting style even. 

There were too many things for it to be unrelated. 

_ Could it really be true? Is Kartik my.... _

Aman tried to rationalize his deepest thoughts. 

_ Surely if Kartik had known and surely if Kartik was Taharin then he would have said something to me. He would never have been silent about it when his life hangs in the balance. Right?  _

Aman didn’t know what else to do. The thought had taken root in his mind and the only way to get rid of it was to confirm whether or not it was true. He needed to know if Kartik was the love of his life from a eon ago. He needed to know if Kartik had been reincarnated too. 

He needs Kartik. So Aman runs. 

  
  


~~~

  
  
  


The moment he walks into their room, all his doubts disappear. There Kartik was standing in the middle of their room. He was looking out at their gardens that overlooked the little statue fountain near the courtyard. The sun was just beginning to set and the orange and pink light reflected off the glass of their full-sized window to highlight the colours in Kartik's eyes, and he turned around to see Aman standing in their doorway. 

The tears that were pooled in the deep dark eyes that Aman knew so well were a rainbow of colours from the dusky sky. It was like looking into a kaleidoscope. Kartik was standing in a way that the light from the outside cast most of him into shadow. Just a silhouette of him stands in front of the window that was framing his form like a painting. The light was like a halo illuminating every edge of Kartik, making him look ethereal. 

The images of their two first meetings flashed through Aman's mind again, imprinting themselves forever. He always noticed his love's eyes first. No matter which life they were in, it was always the colours of his eyes and the tears in them that he noticed first. That time near the lake when he and Kartik met as Aayush and Taharin and then the next time in the temple, under Okhine's gaze. 

She was laughing in the first memory and crying in the next yet she looked divine in both and her smile was still the same one that lit up his heart. 

Yes. This was his love.

It didn't matter that he looked different from the last first time he saw him. It didn't matter that he wasn't his princess anymore, because he still was the same lover of his. Kartik was still the same soul that he had fallen in love with two lifetimes over. 

He knew it in his mind but his heart was still taking a while to catch up with the realization. The newly restored memories were still raging and unfolding in his mind slowly like the pages in a long book that was being flipped glacially by a child. His thoughts were stopping at every page looking through every moment and colour etched into it as they unraveled one by one. So of course as his mind continued its slow torment of the good and bad memories his heart fluctuated with each one. 

The emotions came back bit by bit as if he was reliving it all over again. The love came back tenfold. It was amusing how his heart still yearned for Taharin but his mind knew that she’s here. He’s here. It’s Kartik. 

The more he thinks about it, the easier it is to get his heart to understand the truth he already knows in his mind.

They’re together again. The love he feels for Kartik feels just like the love he had for her. But perhaps it’s more in intensity. Because unlike their last life, they actually had a chance together in this one. 

They had the chance to meet as themselves, not as their titles. They had the chance to be with each other, marry each other and be blessed by their loved ones. All of them. Both sides of their little patchwork family. They had the chance to fight side by side with each other and protect each other. They had gotten to comfort each other. All the broken and unfulfilled promises they’d made in their previous life together pales in comparison to the life they have right now before them.

They could have it all. All of their dreams and wishes. All the moment never fulfilled and days never spent in each other's companies. All the future that was forcefully ripped away from them by their own hands. They could get it all back and start again better...

...if only Aman had the courage to admit-

  
  


“Are you going to kill me here and now? I thought you’d at least give me one more night but looking at your glare, it seems like you want me dead yesterday.” Kartik's voice cuts in through the haze of elation that had been building in Aman. 

Her - No. His words cut deep into Aman’s wounded heart. More so than any cut that he himself or anyone else had made in his body all these years. It reminded Aman of the way she’d...he’d cried out for him as he was tortured in front of her eyes. 

“I...” For the first time in forever, Aman lost his voice. He didn’t know what to say. The turmoil and pain he’d kept locked in for years, maybe even centuries now that he’s reliving two entire lives, were all finally unleashing themselves onto his poor heart. 

  
  


“Are you that eager to kill me?” Kartik asks again, his voice subdued, and resigned. Somewhat mournful. He averts his eyes from Aman's still figure standing and scrutinizing him from the doorway. Instead, he casts his gaze towards the sunset he could see peeking through the windows of their room. 

  
  


Aman looks at him then. Really looks at him. The bruises on his arms from his reckless games and sparring these past weeks are there. The scars that he knows are there on his shoulders and arms are hidden underneath the white cotton shirt he has on. The muscles of that firm body are there shining under the golden hour light. 

He looks at all of that and even those toned arms that have always made him feel safe. 

  
  


He looks at the face that he’s come to love so much. It’s different from the first time he met him in their first life. But it isn’t a bad difference. Anyway. both of them are different now. But in different ways. 

Aman was far from the carefree and caring prince he had been all those eons ago as Aayush. Even the name, though his own, feels foreign to him. 

Aayush.    
  


It is a name belonging to someone who wasn’t this much of a coward. It belonged to someone who was more human than Aman had been in a long time. 

For he had buried his heart a long time ago, when he was but a boy and he’s paid the price all his life. He doesn't know if he can ever go back to being as careless and trusting as he was as Aayush. 

The zeal for life, the amount of love that Aayush had kept pouring out in waves. No. That wasn’t Aman anymore. 

But Kartik... besides the obvious change in the physical.... Kartik was almost the same. He was still as loving as he had been as Taharin. Still very proud, reckless and ... self-sacrificing. Very much self-sacrificing. 

_ Oh how many times was he going to kill himself for Aman’s sake?  _

Kartik was still the same soul Aman had fallen in love with. Both then and now. 

He wonders how he didn’t see it before. 

Of course he’d fall for Kartik. Of course if anyone could help him learn how to trust and love again, it would be Kartik. Kartik was the other half of his  _ soul. _ Or... who he had been. 

Aman isn’t sure if the person he is right now is deserving of the kind of love that Kartik has to give. 

  
  


Because he’s changed so much. He has lost so much of the person he used to be. Aman wonders if he could even find any part of Aayush left in him after everything? Would there be anything left to find? 

Perhaps if he had not made the decisions he had in his younger years in this life, he could have been someone who was more like Aayush than he was right now. 

But he didn’t make those decisions. He had taken on vengeance and hatred as a shield and leaned onto war as a crutch. And by doing so he’d forsaken so much of the person he could have been had he turned to forgiveness earlier. 

Aman laughs internally at his own downfall. He didn't fully realize how much he’s lost of himself until now when he remembers all of it. 

But Kartik had stayed the same at his core. Unlike Aman, he was still the same kind soul he had known. How was it that Kartik had faced so much more pain in this lifetime than him and yet had turned out to be the one who had always held onto hope and kindness? 

Kartik still had his heart and Aman didn’t even recognize his own until hours ago. 

At this point, Aman is convinced that Kartik doesn’t remember. If he did, why had he stayed silent? Aman comes out of his thoughts to see that Kartik had gone back to ignoring him as he stood by the window. 

Aman walks into their room and closes the door behind him. 

His thoughts won’t shut up anytime soon. Aman ponders on how they were the ones that started the war and also the ones who ended it. It was poetic in a way. God how he wanted to laugh at the absurdity of their situation with Kartik. 

But should he tell him? Their first life together was brief and mostly happy but it held so much pain too. The anguish he knew Kartik had lived through flashes through his mind. 

Was there really a need to bring up painful memories for the sake of those few good ones? 

Besides, would Kartik even believe him? It’s such a far-fetched idea. Even though there have been some old stories of people claiming to have been reincarnated, it sounds almost implausible that they’d end up here like this. 

Would Kartik mock him? Not believe him? 

Aman breaks down internally as he imagines telling Kartik their truth only to have the other king  _ refuse _ to believe him. If Kartik laughs at Aman or says something even slightly off Aman would die of heartache at his love not trusting him. 

Though Aman knows that it would be reasonable for Kartik not to trust him, Aman had spent six months having Kartik’s unbreakable trust. Even when Kartik had believed that Aman was going to eventually take his life, Kartik had trusted him. With himself, his family and his people. 

  
  


And if the first time that Kartik doesn't trust him is now? When Aman is confessing his love and telling him the truth of their shared lives ... Aman wouldn't know what to do. He’d be in turmoil. 

He knows he’d probably deserve it after the cruelty he had shown Kartik all these months but even accepting that would not dull the pain. 

  
  


Suddenly, another thought, more horrible than any other enters Aman’s mind and shocks him still. The thought terrifies him so that he considers never telling Kartik at all. 

Because... what would Aman do if he says something and Kartik remembers?

Aman understands that the Kartik of right now might love him. But what if Kartik who remembers their past lives doesn’t? What if Kartik, once he remembers everything, looks at Aman and finds him lacking all the things that Kartik loved about Aayush? What if he was too far gone from who he used to be that Kartik does not want him anymore? 

What if Kartik remembers and decides to stop loving Aman. Because Aman is too damaged and too hardened to ever be who he was back then? 

Kartik’s voice cuts into his spiraling thoughts as Kartik casually starts talking about his death. Kartik looks up at Aman and Aman can see that he’s tired, nervous and in pain from the thought that he’d leave everything he loved behind. 

“Aman, if you’re trying to drag this out I would prefer if you did not. Just kill me and be done with this. I only hope that you lie to everybody tomorrow when they ask what happened to me.” Kartik states monotonously. As if he had already resigned himself to his death at Aman’s hands. 

Aman, upon hearing those words, tries to imagine it. Just for a split second, he tries to imagine killing Kartik. The very thought breaks him apart anew because how could he? How could Aman even possibly think about harming this wonderful human being who has done nothing but love him?

Kartik has loved him for two lives now. Across centuries of a tumutaneous history. How could Aman willingly destroy the only person that he ever truly loved and who ever really loved him?

And why would he kill Kartik anyway? For the war? For the death of his father in the battle grounds? 

Aman recalls how he had once said to Kartik that he doesn't blame Aayush or Taharin for the war or their fates. And that thought still held true right now.

Aman will never blame Kartik for the pain he suffered in their first life. He won't ever blame Taharin. It wasn't her fault that her father had been cruel.

In fact it was her that had helped in escape, by killing him herself. And then she proceeded to kill herself as well.

  
  


This person, Kartik, Taharin, loved him so much that they were willing to sacrifice their lives for him. Twice. The very thought brings Aman down to reality. 

Kartik was his and Aman was Kartik’s. He could never even think about harming him in the slightest. 

  
  


He thinks back to the moment that Kartik confessed his love, and what he’d said afterwards. The last proper conversation they both had had. 

Kartik had called it an honour to die by Aman’s hands. Back then it had only saddened Aman. Now, the very thought causes disgust to churn in his stomach. How could it be called an honor that Aman kills the very person he loves? 

He remembers Kartik’s words clearly even now. 

_ "It would only be an honor and my right to die by your hands, my prince.”  _ He had said. 

His right? His right to die by Aman’s hand? How could he even -

Wait. Aman realizes something else in that moment. Something that was worse than anything else. 

Kartik knew. 

Kartik had known. 

Kartik remembered and yet - 

He was ready to die for Aman’s stupid oath and vengeance. 

Kartik had called him  _ ‘my prince’.  _

Kartik knew and was never going to tell him. 

~~~~~

  
  


Kartik let himself enjoy the last few moments he would have on this earth. He didn’t know what had gotten into Aman all of a sudden that he was being non-verbal but whatever it was, Karitk could not be bothered to care. 

So he ignored Aman and enjoyed the last few sights he would see in this life of his. Maybe they’d be reincarnated again and he’d get to see another sunrise. Somehow. 

Kartik didn’t think so but it was nice to dream wasn’t it? At least he’d have something good to remember at the end. 

Suddenly, Aman’s voice cut through the thick silence in the room. It bellowed loudly in the empty space as if making up for all the words that they’d never said to each other before then. 

“Do you hate me that much for the pain I put you through that you weren’t even going to tell me about us?” Aman asked coldly. 

That made Kartik pause. He’d heard Aman’s many different emotions and voices but this was something new. 

It was cold and stilted. As if someone had betrayed Aman and he was too hurt to even emote anything. 

Kartik turned around to face Aman, a confused expression on his face. “What are you talking about?” 

“Us. Kartik. Were you ever going to tell me about us? Or were you going to leave me alone to remember later after I’ve killed you? Was it supposed to be some sort of punishment for me?” Aman asked again, this time his voice getting louder and more shaky as he continued. 

His voice almost broke the last word but he didn’t allow that to happen. Only then did it dawn on Kartik what this was about. 

Aman remembered. 

Kartik’s eyes start tearing up at the agony of the situation. Aman remembered but ... Kartik still deserved to die by Aman’s hands. 

This was just going to be more difficult now that both of them knew and remembered. As he looked at Aman, Kartik’s heart ached to go to him and embrace him. To let Aman hold him like he had been wanting to for so long. But his feet felt as if they were rooted to the ground. 

Aman on the other hand, had no such problem. He slowly walked forward until he was close enough to Kartik to feel his breaths. Gently, with a feather light touch reminiscent of their first meeting, Aman placed his hands on Karitk’s cheeks and caressed his face in his hands as if it were the most precious thing in all the worlds. 

“It’s been so long hasn’t it my princess?” Aman whispered as tears started to fall. 

At hearing his love call him by that name that he hasn’t heard in ages, Kartik’s resolve breaks. His tears start streaming down his face as he lets himself have this. 

He was going to die soon anyway. What did it matter that he broke before then? 

So he stayed in Aman’s arms and let himself grieve. He grasped Aman’s hands and slowly pulled them away from his face and held them in between his own. 

Their hands intertwined, were held in between both their chests, and they still stood too close to each other. Closer than they’ve ever been in weeks. 

Kartik let his eyes drop to their intertwined hands. 

He remembered how they’d used to hold on to one another like this. Once, Aman had even helped her put her mehandi and they’d stayed talking until it had dried and walked back to their palace hand in hand afterwards. 

A small part of his brain wonders how much he’d love to wear mehandi again. 

As if Aman was reading his mind, Aman said, “I miss the mehandi that you always wore in your hands.” 

Kartik hummed absentmindedly in reply. He didn’t know how long this momentary peace would last but he wanted it to stay for as long as it could. 

So he’d keep quiet and not let it break. 

Aman didn’t seem to share this opinion. He spoke up again, “Why did you never tell me?” 

He sounded as if he was on the verge of tears. 

“Do you really not know?” Kartik retorts, intentionally dragging out this conversation. He doesn’t want this conversation to start because then it will end and he would need to di-. 

“Tell me. Please?” Aman begs. “Stop avoiding this Kartik. Tell me why you thought it was okay to keep this from me?” 

Kartik didn’t want to do this anymore. He removed his hands from Aman’s and walked away to their bed. His back was to Aman. 

“Kartik?” Aman was relentless. 

Kartik sighed and steeled himself. He finally answered even without turning to face Aman’s gaze. 

“What good would it have done Aman? Would you have suddenly remembered and forsaken your vengeance? Would you have done anything differently?” 

“You didn’t think I would?” 

“No. I knew you might have stopped the deal if you’d known but Aman.... I deserve to die by your hands. I inflicted pain on you all those years ago. You were tortured because of my father. I couldn't bear to you in pain and then... I killed you myself. It is only right that you kill me by your hands this time.” 

  
  


He doesn’t know how Aman will react to this confession but he was not expecting to feel Aman embrace him from behind. 

“You showed me mercy. None of what happened in our past life was your fault Taharin. Or would it be easier if I used Kartik?” 

“Kartik is fine but ... how could you say that Aman? I am the reason you lost your chance at life.  _ Twice over now. _ First your torture and death and now.. Shankar. I have done nothing but rob you of your life, happiness and childhood. How could you say that none of it was my fault?” 

“Because it’s the truth.” 

“It isn’t. I think I am a curse Aman. I will always be hurting you. I can’t help but always ruin everything good in my life and yours.” 

“Kartik-” Aman starts, but Kartik doesn’t let him get a word in inchwise.

“Nothing good ever comes out of me being with you. We’ve seen that twice over now. So for your own sake Aman, please kill me. You can live in peace after that.”

  
  


“Are you done?” Aman says, anger slowly poisoning his voice now. He lets go of Kartik and spins him around to face him. 

“Are you done with this self-sacrificial stupidity or is there anything else that you want to say? No? Ok. Great now you listen to me.” 

Aman holds onto Kartik’s arms and looks up at him, craning his neck a little to do so. He grips Kartik’s arms firmly and Karitk instantly knows that this is Aman being serious. 

“None. Of that. Is your fault. It was never your fault for my torture and you killing me was borne out of our love. You loved me enough to show me mercy. If anything, I am the one that has not given the same courtesy to you. How could you not see that?” 

“You should hate me for the pain I inflicted upon you. Two lifetimes over.” Kartik insists. He doesn’t know how to react to this Aman. He knows how to handle Aayush and how to handle the Aman he has come to know but this... this man standing in front of him seems to be a curious mix of both of his loves and Karitk is left untethered. 

“Maybe I should hate you ... but I don’t Kartik. I love you.” Aman says in one breath. 

Kartik freezes. No. 

He can’t be serious. Kartik looks at Aman’s eyes, searches for any sign of a lie in them but they are as honest as the day he killed him. 

He pushes Aman away and looks at him broken. “No. If this is love then I do not want it.” 

Now it’s Aman that looks at him broken-hearted. “Kartik...” He doesn’t even have words. He is speechless. What was going on? 

It felt like both of them were in two different worlds, trying to cross a bridge to get to each other but the bridge was half finished at best. 

Were they always doomed to go further and further away from each other? 

“If... if you’re saying this just because you remember that we used to be in love then no. I do not want this love and nor do I want your pity, if that is what this is. I have more pride than that.” 

“This is not pity Kartik. Believe me. I do love you.” Aman pleads. 

  
  


Kartik is still not able to let himself hope. Hope was a dangerous thing after all. 

  
  


“I'm not her anymore Aman. I am not your perfect princess that has never seen battle or grew up being surrounded by all the riches in the world. I am not infallible. I am not her.” 

“ I know that-” Aman tries to convince Kartik but his pleas fall on deaf ears. 

“ You didn't love me as Kartik. You only loved me once you remembered us. From long ago. You have never wanted me as I am now and I have never held that against you. I killed Shankar. You hate me. That is how it has always been and just because you have memories of loving someone I used to be does not mean that you are entitled or required to love me. So no. Take your charity and leave or just kill me already.” 

Aman’s guilt started to grow with each word that came out of Kartik’s mouth. Here was the one person that has loved him unconditionally over decades and two entire lives and he could not believe that Aman loved him back. 

How could Aman have failed this much? Had he really been that cruel? 

Aman didn’t know how to make Kartik understand. He moved closer again to Kartik, trying to calm him down from his anger. 

“Kartik listen to me. I swear to you. That I am being honest. I love you Kartik. I-” 

“If you’re trying to look for her in me, I'm afraid that there’s not much left.” Kartik declared. “You talk about honor and yet you deny me mine. I can not live with you only loving me for who I used to be and not who I am now. So do not talk about loving me unless you are sure that you love  _ me. _ ”

As he was rambling and pouring out his thoughts, he did not notice that Aman had gotten closer to him again. They were now within reaching distance of each other. 

Kartik was not looking at anything and he was surprised when Aman grabbed him like he had that day in the arena and kissed him. 

Aman was kissing him. 

It was more intense than the kiss they had had in the arena. It felt like all their kisses in their first lives but filled with more love than Kartik has thought possible. It felt like relief that clouded over the pain of separation. 

It took a few minutes before either of them pulled away, too caught up in their emotions to realize their need for air. But when Kartik did pull away, he looked at Aman only to see pure, unadulterated  _ love _ shinning back at him. 

“Do you know when I fell in love with you Kartik?” Aman speaks after a bout of silence. “It was nine months ago, when I had first seen you in that temple. Our first meeting.” 

Kartik was stunned. He knew that that was when he himself had started to fall in love but to hear that Aman had done the same was different. 

“I realized I loved you today. And I was coming here to confess my feelings to you and to tell you that I can  _ never bring myself to kill you _ when I remembered.” Aman finally admits. 

“I loved you even before I remembered who we used to be. Yes. I love who we were in our past lives, but Kartik the future I want and dream of is with you. This version of you and this version of me. Together in  _ our country, our palace, our family.  _ This family and this life of mine does not work without you in it. And it is you that I want, whoever that may be. I love  _ you Kartik.  _ Believe me please.” 

“I want to. But Aman, you have spent all this life of yours hating me. How could you ...? I cannot be what you need me to be.” 

“I only need you to be yourself. I am not Aayush either. I am not the person you remember and maybe if that is why you do not want me I will understand -” 

“No. No Aman I love you. Here and now. Don’t leave me.” Kartik interrupts. Finally they both seem to be actually understanding each other. 

Aman holds onto Kartik tightly and guides them both to their bed. “Our history is irrelevant as to how much and why I love you. I just do.” 

Kartik twists in Aman’s hold to stare into his eyes. “But I still killed your father.” He reminds him. The ghost of Shankar Tripathi will always haunt them in a way. 

No matter how much time will pass, Kartik knows that it will still cloud their interactions. He does not see a way out of this for them. That is until Aman says what he did. 

“I know you killed him. But I also know you did it in a time of war. And.... and I love you enough to forgive you.” 

Kartik’s breath hitches. Aman continues. 

“I would be giving up every little bit of happiness, hope and laughter that we have built in this nation and family if I still held onto my vengeance. And I would never want to do anything to ruin the happiness of our people. Besides, I think papa will approve of you too.” 

Kartik searches every crevice and line of Aman’s face to see any hint of a lie. But he never finds one. Aman meant every word he had just uttered. 

Kartik opens his mouth to say something. Anything. But the only thing that he manages is a bark of laughter. 

He closes his mouth soon after that unexpected laugh, but the dam had been broken. Amidst the tears and the hugs, Aman and Kartik looked at each other with love and laughed. 

Their lives had taken many twists and turns and highs and lows. But at the end of it there they were together. That was all that mattered. 

As their laughter continued, Kartik and Aman gravitated closer towards each other. Aman leaned his head on Kartik’s shoulder but as he did so, Kartik’s peal of laughter turned into a muffled squeal of pain.

Aman immediately sits up and stops laughing. 

“I am sorry I forgot that -” 

“It is fine Aman. The injury acts up at odd times, you know that. It will be fine after we apply the salve.” Kartik reminds Aman, slightly hating the way the room’s atmosphere had come down abruptly. 

“I will go get them.” Aman said and walked away before Kartik could do anything to stop him. He came back empty handed. 

“The salves are used up and Qabid has not made more. I would have told you that if you had waited to listen.” Kartik huffed amused. 

Aman didn’t say anything, and sat down next to Kartik again. He kept silent, thinking about something that he had always wanted an answer to. 

He places his hand on Kartik’s shoulder. Right where he knows the scars will be underneath the shirt Kartik was wearing. 

“Was it your father?” Aman asked lightly. He left the question open so that if Kartik did not want to share, he would not have to. 

But of course Kartik wanted to share. This was Aman. He trusted him with far more than this. 

“Yes. He ... he wasn’t the same after mother and my sister died. He blamed everything on me and I suppose his grief needed an outlet anyway.’

“ I am so sorry Karitk. If I had known.. You have been through so much pain. You never deserved any of it. If I could have taken that pain away from you I-” 

“You would have done no such thing, because I would not have allowed it.” Kartik interrupted. 

“You already suffered more than enough at the hands of a father of mine. I will not watch you suffer at the hands of another again.” Kartik promised. 

“It was not your fault my princess.” Aman mentioned it again for the thousandth time. 

“Even still Aman. I am glad that this time around, I am the one who bears the scars from my father’s torture and not you. I would like to think that this is my retribution. In our last life, your skin was blemeished, hurt and bleeding from all the things my father had did toyou as torture. You protected me. Now it is my turn to protect you. I want to remember your skin as being free of scars and evidence of pain.” 

Aman was filled with love again for this man sitting in front of him. How could he have ever thought about throwing all this away? 

“I appreciate the sentiment, my love, but there already are some scars on me. I will tell you about them someday. Not today but someday. I promise.” Aman offers. 

They smile at each other in the thought of that and lapse again into a comfortable silence. 

“Will you tell me? Not now but someday? I want to know all the scars across your body because I want to know everything that you have survived. I want to know so that I can remind you of how brave you are if you were to ever forget it.” Aman asks finally after a long while. 

“Are you sure? They are long stories Aman. There isn’t just one simple way to explain them all. It would take too long.” Kartik insists. 

“Well isn’t it a blessing then, that we have a lifetime of getting to know each other?” Aman mused as he tucked Kartik’s hair behind his ear softly. 

The only response he got was Kartik burying himself into Aman’s arms. 

Aman held on to his other half and didn’t even think about letting go. 

  
  


* * *

~~~~

  
  
  


we will take these stories, turn them upside down

for no love deserves the tears of blood

no love deserves a marred corpse

we’ll show them how we’d rather have it done

-Kartik & Aman, 2020

  
  
  


“Tonight is the last day of our six months.” Aman whispered, as he sat on their bed, slowly braiding Kartik’s hair. It was not as long as it used to be but it was long enough for Aman to put a few braids in. 

He missed doing this with Kartik. 

The idea that now he could do this for years to come made him still as content filled his heart. 

“Haan. Tomorrow there will be the celebration that the rest have been preparing for. Do you know what that is?” Kartik asked, leaning his head back into Aman’s lap. He was sitting on their floor so that Aman could reach his hair comfortably. 

“No I don’t. They wanted to surprise us both I believe.” Aman hummed. 

“I can’t believe it’s been six months already. It feels like just yesterday that we met in the temple.” Kartik replied. “Tomorrow it will be official in terms of both Mahanite and Akhtari customs.” 

“Yes, if you want to leave, now is the last chance you have. Once dawn breaks, you will be stuck with me forever.” Aman jokes. 

Kartik gently slaps his hand. “I don’t have that long. If we go by Akhtari customs, the moment the sun sets tonight we’re both bound forever.” 

“You have but an hour then I think.” 

Kartik looks up at Aman and reaches his hand out to caress his face gently. He runs his fingers through his beard and absent-mindedly brushes Aman’s hair as he confesses, “I have dreamed of marrying you since the moment you looked at me and called me your Princess. Why would I run away after I’ve gotten everything I've wished for?”

Aman’s breath hitches a little at the magnitude of love that this beautiful human has for him. Even now. “I did promise you a marriage under the night sky, did I not?” Aman recalls. 

“Hmm yes. I think you said that you’ll marry me under the stars that we loved so much. I always wondered whether I could find a lehenga that would look beautiful even under the darkness of twilight.” Kartik adds. 

Aman falls silent for a while. “I never did fulfil that promise of a wedding did I?” 

Kartik gets up and sits beside Aman on their bed. He wraps his arms around his husband and leans into him. He doesn’t ever want to stop holding him now that he knows he can and that all his touches will be welcome. 

“It doesn’t matter to me Aman. I have you. We are married. That’s all I could have ever wanted. I already count myself blessed to have had this second chance with you. And .... even if you had... held to our deal... it would have been enough. These six months would have been more than enough.” Kartik whispers traitorously. 

Aman turns around and grabs Kartik’s face in his hands. “I could spend lifetimes more with you and it would never be enough Kartik. And you deserve everything that you’ve ever wanted. You do.” 

“Aman ...” Kartik’s eyes get teary 

“I have been cruel to you all this while. I am sorry Kartik, that’s it’s taken me thins long to understand how much I love you. I want to make this right.” 

“Aman I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.” 

Aman raises from the bed without answering him and tugs on Kartik’s hand.    
  


He leads him through their chambers to the shared library. Past the desk and shelves, Aman brings Kartik to where they’d kept the newly discovered possessions of Aayush and Taharin in a drawer. Before either of them knew their past, they had decided to keep the items they had found here with them until a proper place could be erected to store them. 

Now, Aman brings Kartik right to their possessions. The last physical remnants of their old lives. 

Aman opens up a drawer and goes to take something. He holds it gingerly in his hands, and asks Kartik to close his eyes. 

“Do you trust me?” Aman asks. 

Kartik rolls his eyes a little, still confused and does as Aman asks. He feels Aman draping something over him. Aman’s hands run across his shoulders as he feels cloth being tugged around him and fixed into place.    
  


He focuses on Aman’s hands on his arms and around him as he’s gently pulled into another direction. He remembers that they had a mirror there in the library in the direction that Aman was taking them. 

“Before you open your eyes, I want to do one more thing.” Aman says and Kartik feels something being placed on his head. It is lighter than a crown but something tells him that it is more important than that. 

When he finally opens his eyes, his pupils grow wide at the reflection in the mirror. Draped across him is a dupatta that he remembers being in the drawer. One that was red and gold but also with hints of blue and silver. Both of their nations colours. 

The soft material was wound across his shoulders and waist, before it hung off his back on the one side. Aman had taken it and fashioned it into a lehenga.    
  


But what was in his head was the thing that stole Kartik’s breath away. It was a veil. It was...  _ her veil.  _

It was the veil that she had been wearing during that fateful day. When she had killed her love by her own hands before throwing herself off the battlements to join him. It was the veil that she’d always imagined to be wearing when she married Aman back then. 

Tears of joy and bittersweet pain flowed into her body slowly but was thwarted when Aman came to stand next to her and took her hands. 

“I know that this is hardly a proper lehenga and definitely not one that is fit for royalty or a royal wedding but .. the dupatta was the one that I had gotten for you back then as a present. It reminded me of you and I had wanted you to have it but .. I never got the chance to. And you already know the veil.” 

Kartik was still in shock and speechless as she listened to Aman’s words, trying to register what they were saying. 

“I know this is not what you imagined but this is all I had right now and I thought it would be fitting that I use them for this.” 

“What is  _ this _ Aman?” Karitk asked. 

Aman looked at Kartik with all the love that he’d managed to gather across two lifetimes and asked, “Will you marry me, my Princess? Right here. Right now. Under Noor’s presence, in this bedroom that is ours and inside these walls that hold the new future of our people. Will you marry me tonight? Again?” 

  
  


Of course - 

Kartik said yes. 

  
  


_ ~~~ _

_ “How does a moment last forever? _

_ How can a story never die? _

_ It is love we must hold onto _

_ Never easy, but we try” _

  
  


They stand together side by side. The statue of Noor stands before them, as they kneel slowly down before the shrine. 

Kartik in his makeshift lehenga that Aman had helped him make in just a few minutes. Did he ever imagine himself getting married again for a second time in a lehenga? 

Yes. For a brief moment he had imagined it before his hopes had come crashing down. But he never imagined that he’d be wearing one that was at best a dupatta wrapped around him by Aman’s own hands. 

Yet even if this was not the royal lehenga that he might have envisioned himself in even as Taharin, it was just perfect. 

The dupatta was the colour of pure gold and red sequins. It was almost like their curtains in their room. As if he’d taken them down and draped them across himself. 

But no, the slight blue and silver hemline made it different. 

A dupatta that belonged to her. One that Aman had bought for her eons ago but never managed to give it to her. 

Well, even if it was late at least now she has it. 

She’s getting married in it. 

She smiled at that thought. 

  
  


_ “Sometimes our happiness is captured _

_ Somehow, our time and place stand still _

_ Love lives on inside our hearts and always will” _

  
  


Aman looked at his lover. Everything about him radiated kindness and happiness hung off him like stars in the night sky. 

It was breathtakingly beautiful to see. Aman wanted to box it up and keep it forever in his mind and heart. Even if he were to never see or touch or feel this moment ever again, he wanted it to still stay with him. 

Just like how the other memories still stay with him. 

He wishes that he had gotten to remember them before tonight, but a part of him knew that if he had, there would have been more pain on both sides. 

No. It was good that he remembered it now, after he had already accepted his love for Kartik truly. 

He loves his Kartik. His King. His companion in every aspect of his life. 

And now he remembers who he used to be and he loves that part of him too. He loves all of Kartik’s past, present and the future. 

He loves her as herself, all of it. 

Kartik had to know that. Aman hadn’t shown his love much these past few months but he can start now. Looking at her smile, he decided that he won’t waste more time. 

He won’t miss his second chance. 

  
  


_ “Maybe some moments weren't so perfect _

_ Maybe some memories not so sweet _

_ But we have to know some bad times _

_ Or are lives are incomplete” _

  
  


They knelt down in front of Noor like they had done in front of Okhine six months ago in their first wedding. 

They reached out and held each other’s hands like they had that first night in the temple. Ready to wipe away any pain or catch any tears that fell. 

They stared at each other for minutes just taking each other in, like they had done that day eons ago before they died together. Even in pain they were there for each other. 

They smiled at each other like they did that first day by the river. That first moment when their souls met and whispered, “hello”. 

Kartik was sitting there in his lehenga and veil. Both were gifts from her Aayush to her. She was wearing her nose ring and the dagger that Aman had gifted him in this lifetime hung on his person as well. 

And Aman too was wearing everything that Kartik had gifted him. Both in this lifetime and as Taharin.

Aman had his earring and blood red ruby necklace from Kartik, and the silver and amethyst brooch from decades ago. 

The two of them knelt in front of each other, adorned in all the things that represented their past and their present.    
  
The old items showed signs of age and contrasted with the new gifts. But all of them together were a beauty of their own. 

It was a testament to how they have their pasts but they choose to look forward together. RIght then, they were choosing each other as who they are now. 

No matter what tragedy and pain lay behind them mattered none because their future would always be by each other’s side. 

And if they’re together then no pain or misery would be too much to handle. 

  
  


_ “Then when the shadows overtake us _

_ Just when we feel all hope is gone _

_ We'll hear our song and know once more _

_ Our love lives on”  _

  
  


They’d managed to overcome so much. They might not have lived long in either of their lifetimes but they’ve lived through too much. 

They’ve fought through many hardships and it all led them here. To each other. 

And both of them knew that they’d do it all over again if this is where they’d end up. Together. 

Aman started first with the vows. He spoke of everything that he could think of. 

Forgiveness. Regret. Guilt. Pain. 

Kartik followed with his vows. 

Trust. Loyalty. Betrayal. Addiction. 

But at the end all of their vows came down to one thing. 

Hope. 

They’d each given themselves hope. 

Even without knowing or remembering there had been hope that was being shared between them silently. 

In the end, when everything else fades away it is the only thing that lingers. 

As long as they had each other, they had hope. 

And as long as there was hope even the darkest nights alone felt like a bright morning sky. 

_ “How does a moment last forever? _

_ How does our happiness endure? _

_ Through the darkest of our troubles _

_ Love is beauty, love is pure” _

  
  


When they were done with their vows, they stood to do the spheres round Noor. They already had lost their need for words. 

They had also forgotten the ballad that is usually sung so they didn’t sing anything as they walked around the statue of their god. 

The silence spoke volumes as they exchanged all that needed to be said by the way they could not take their eyes off of each other.

Aman memorized this moment thoroughly. He latched onto every inch of Kartik’s form and the way he tilted his head, the way he smiled, the way his hand had felt in his own.    
  
He tried to stretch those few minutes into a lifetime just so that he could make this happiness last. 

Kartik on the other hand, didn’t think about anything other than the feel of Aman with him. 

Aman was here and he was too.    
  
That was all he needed and he tried to live in that moment as best as he could. Cherish the wedding that he always dreamed of having. 

This was not what he had pictured in his mind at all but it was a million times better. 

It came at the end of the worst few months of his life. The worst had come to pass, Kartik was sure. 

From here on out, it could only get better he was sure. 

  
  


_ “Love pays no mind to desolation _

_ It flows like a river through the soul _

_ Protects, perceives, and perseveres _

_ And makes us whole”  _

  
  


They were done. They were married for a second time but somehow this felt like the first time they were truly seeing each other. 

“Kartik..” Aman started, finally breaking the silent conversation that they had been having since their vows. 

“Aman.  _ I love you.”  _ Kartik whispered before Aman could find his own voice. They had not uttered it before like this. 

Never in private in this life, never with so much unsaid promises between them. 

The way Kartik whispered the declaration was as if the words were a secret. Something that no one else but them had a right to know. 

In a way perhaps it was a secret. 

No one else but them would know all they've endured. 

No one else but them remembers the past lives they’ve led. 

They were alone in that but they were together. 

Aman glanced at Kartik’s eyes through the veil and then glanced down briefly. 

“Thank you for giving me the perfect wedding, my prince.” Kartik said again and that was all it took. 

Aman grabbed Kartik by his dupatta and pulled him down a little. He pushed away the veil and pressed his lips to Kartik’s own. 

Kartik leaned into Aman’s embrace and let his arms curl around Aman as if Aman was his lifeline. 

Aman’s hands found themselves in Kartik’s braids as they pushed as close as they could and poured all their love into one single kiss. 

Nothing else mattered in that moment than them. Their pasts, their names, their titles and history fell away as they only cared about the love that they were sharing. 

When finally their chests were overflowing with love and happiness and aching for air they let go of each other just slightly. 

Aman leaned his forehead onto Kartik’s and smiled as he huffed out a laugh.

_ “I love you too.”  _

Kartik smiled again for the thousandth time that night and let the words linger in the space between their breaths. 

“ _ Now and in every lifetime hence.”  _ Aman continued. 

“In every lifetime hence? Really? Do you want to be stuck with me for that long?” Kartik teased. 

“Yes. Even if you are still as infuriating as you are now.” Aman quipped. 

“Even if I do stupid things or pull you into trouble every so often?” Kartik mused as he recalled all the times he almost got them into trouble. 

“Even then.” 

“Even if we don't find each other until later in life, or find each other and almost lose each other? Even then?” Kartik’s tone was now more forlorn than teasing. 

Aman noticed and forced Kartik to meet his gaze. 

“Kartik, listen to me. Even if in the next lifetime we meet and don’t remember each other at all, I promise I’ll still love you. Even if my family does not approve or if we fight and almost lose each other. I will still love you. Even when you do reckless things or get us into trouble with our family. I will still be there for you. I will still love you and fight for you. Because no matter how many lifetimes it takes, I know you will always be the kind of person I fall in love with.” 

“Brave, funny, stupid but caring and kind. What part of soulmates do you not understand, you idiot?” Aman chastised. Kartik had tears falling down his face in steady streams now. 

“Soulmates?” Kartik asked because he did not know what else to say. How could he even respond to that? Were there even words that he could use? 

“Yes.” Aman replied. He took Kartik’s hands in his own and placed them right on top of his heart. “My soulmate.” 

_ “My prince, my queen, my soul.”  _ Aman declared out loud. 

The words burrowed deep into Kartik’s essence. He had never felt this much love or affection before. He opened his mouth to say something. Anything. But his mind, a writer’s mind that could always gather words together to string up a poem, failed him. 

So instead of telling Aman what he meant to Kartik, Kartik decided to show him, and pulled Aman in for a rough kiss even as he moved the two of them back out the small temple into their adjoined chamber. 

  
  


_ “Minutes turn to hours, days to years then gone _

_ But when all else has been forgotten _

_ Still our song lives on”  _

  
  
  


As they found themselves in bed sharing their love in a way that needed no words, the night started to grow darker and the palace started to fall asleep. 

The next day would be a celebration of their love and their newfound life. The entire palace and nation would be up at dawn. 

And Kartik and Aman would be late to their morning feast but no one would comment on it with anything other than jokes of Eskabadi beer nights and other escapades. 

There would be laughter and loud cheers, as love and hope festered along each and every wall and crevice in the once abandoned lands of Shafaq. 

And everyone would continue to live happily ever after from then on. No matter what hardships come their way, Kartik and Aman would stay together and weather out all the storms. 

And when finally, Chaman writes the epic on the two of them, he will find a long forgotten parchment of paper with a prophecy on it. One that did not make sense to him but came true anyway. 

One that held hope and one that showed how history itself was rewritten by two souls. 

  
  
  


_ “besides, my love, touch your heart _

_ and tell me if this isn’t true,  _

_ will it ever be a good love story, _

_ if there aren't a few struggles to get through?” _

_ Kartik & Aman, 2020  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Diwali!! You get TWO TGM related GOOD CHAPTERS! Sargun and I say "you're welcome". BTW thank you so much for sticking on to this ride. it was the most fun ive had in writing anything. 
> 
> Also yes the ending is HEAVILY suggesting that uh the movie and events of it are like teh reincarnations of this kartik and aman. but who knows if that's true ey? 
> 
> P.S. i will be EDITING THIS HEAVILIY after some time. especially CHAP 3 i cringe at it. the MISTAKES and the structure oh my god i cry. I'll let y'all know when im editing though. anyway THANK YOU AGAIN <3

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday you bitchass hoe. fuck u. EYE HATE YOU SOMETIMES. but not all the time. sometimes i love you for some god awful reason idk why. we only met barely 6 months ago, properly talking for about 4 months or so and yet, you've become one of the closest people in my life this year. I love you IDIOT CUNT BITCH OMG U DICK . THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU (i cri you're so brandish sometimes gyuhij)


End file.
